The Beginning is the End is the Beginning
by Strawberry Rendezvous
Summary: firstly i would like to state that yes, i know that's not what the song is called. this is your basic tonysteve, it starts off with a little bit of AU!past, and it'll go from there. For better summaries and stuff I would read the author's notes.
1. Crazy About You Then

**A/N: This story goes along with Avengers, but before that storyline (chapters 1, 3 and 6, I believe) it's pretty much all AU. Unfortunately I have yet to read the comic books, so beyond the research (which I actually **_**do**_** do) I can't promise that anything is particularly factual. This chapter isn't great but future ones will be better, so far I have about seven outlined. Also I'm not big on quotation marks so stuff in italics is also dialogue/speech.**

There is one SHIELD secret that no one ever talks about. One little tidbit of information that's hidden away in a file at the bottom of a rusty cabinet in Coulson's grandmother's attic. None of the newbies know about it no matter how high their clearance is, and if one of the old agents so much as mentions it, they're burned. Blacklisted, off, gonzo. It's not a secret weapon in the sense that most people would think, but it could certainly be very, very compromising, and it would most definitely raise a lot of questions. So it's hidden away, all records of it are erased and soon enough it's forgotten about. Except, it isn't. After all, if you knew two of the greatest superheroes' biggest secret, you wouldn't be able to forget it, would you?

* * *

The thing is that they've actually met before. Before Loki got hold of the Tesseract and they had to attempt to recreate the Avengers Initiative. Before Steve saying _Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in_, in the way he always has when he's misinformed or just plain irritated, which happens more often then people think.

The first time was a bit after Steve had been woken up and was being acclimated with the modern world and living under supervision. Tony, despite his dislike for SHIELD and everything that went along with it, had been assessing some of the radiation levels associated with their new weapons and was trying to find a way to contain them. He'd been having zero luck and was often found sitting on the ground talking to Pepper, who had diagnosed him with failure induced lethargy, on his phone.

But one day he'd woken up with the sun, which was odd foremost because he usually went to bed when the sun went up, and had, god forbid, gone out for a jog. He found that he was in surprisingly good shape, no doubt thanks to Jarvis. As he was returning to his hotel he noticed an extremely muscular and rather young looking blonde man picking up papers that he appeared to have scattered across a very large courtyard.

"Need some help, kid?" The guy looked up and Tony immediately recognized him. "I mean, Captain." Steve blushed but nodded and the pair set about picking everything up. "You know shit like this is the reason everything is digital now."

"Not everyone is used to that though." Steve replied pointedly. It wasn't his fault if he hadn't grown up around touch screens and iPods and God knows what else.

"Well I'd be happy to help you learn." Tony offered with a wink, enjoying how easily the other man flushed. What Pepper didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

"Um, I'm not allowed to leave here, I think. And I'm under observation."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you implying there? It's not like we're going to do anything inappropriate." Tony teased. "Strictly business."

The Captain was about to reply when Jarvis relayed a message to Tony from Fury, asking _where the fuck he was, exactly, running around New York like some kind of-_. Tony rolled his eyes but replied, informing Fury that he was less than a block away.

"I need to go save the world. Wanna meet up for dinner?"

"Sure, why not?" Steve's agreement surprised Tony for a second but then he grinned in triumph.

"I'll find you later."

And that day Tony's equations had all worked out and he solved the main problem he'd been trying to work out for days in about ten minutes. He was packed up and ready to go when Jarvis reminded him that he had plans later.

"So cancel them." But then Jarvis had said _Very well, I will drop your dinner with Steve Rogers from the schedule_ and Tony had sighed and put his stuff back down. He couldn't stand up America's number one superhero. He fiddled around for a few hours, buying equipment for his new prototype of the Mark VII and being a general nuisance. When he decided it was late enough to be considered dinnertime he hacked SHIELD's security system and located Steve.

A minute later he knocked on the door of the lab Steve was 'working' in, not bothering to see if it was okay before entering. Tony smiled to himself when Steve jerked awake, apparently completely bored by the presentation that was going on. He dragged Steve out of the lab, followed by a joking _have him back by midnight!_ They arrived at the restaurant Pepper had made reservations and given Tony directions to a bit late, but he was Tony Stark and him simply being there was good for business.

"Is- is this a date?" Steve had asked tentatively, halfway through the main course. Tony choked on his wine, coughing slightly as he considered the question. He was glad they had a private table so no one who cared would be able to hear the conversation. He still kept his answer simple, just in case.

"Yeah." Steve nodded his head in consent and continued eating his steak, once more surprising Tony with his easy acceptance of his forwardness.

At the end of their date Tony stole a kiss from an extremely surprised Steve, who stood frozen before looking both ways down the hall and pulling the scientist into his room.

"I thought you were being monitored?"

"I'm pretty sure they haven't bugged my room. Or if they have they haven't said anything about what I may or may not have done in the past." At that Tony had pulled back to give Steve an approving smile, but the blonde just rolled his eyes and pressed Tony to the bed. Judging by the looks they got the next day, Steve's room was definitely bugged.

Shortly after their first date, Thor had shown up with the Bifrost and Loki, and Loki had decided he was going to be evil and somehow they ended up in some weird futuristic alternate dimension. One that, of course, everyone who was living in real time knew about and could get information from. Or at least Fury and the Council could.

Because they'd already started a relationship and they didn't really _know_ anyone else, they'd turned to each other. Some form of them existed in this brand new world, so they explained everything to the alternate dimension version of SHIELD and were allowed on the team as extra pairs of hands.

They slowly built up a life together; sharing an apartment because they didn't have the money or desire for separate ones, working together, saving the world together, learning each other inside and out in every way they could. When the day came that gay marriage was passed in New York, sooner than in their own dimension, Tony planned something extravagant, an amazing proposal because Steve could only have the best.

But then Steve had come running full tilt into the apartment, holding the newspaper and grinning wildly, simply asking _Why not?_ Alternate Barton had been the officiate because they both knew he would make it funny and most definitely a night to remember. It was planned in a few weeks and the next thing they knew Tony and Steve were saying _I do_ and kissing each other chastely and driving off to their reception. It went beautifully until the end of the night after they'd all had their fair share of drinks when alternate Barton sat down beside Tony and said _Man, you guys are really together in your world?_ and Tony just shrugged, unsure of how to answer. Would they really be together, married, if not for Loki and that whole crazy turn of events?

Nonetheless, the new husbands continued to live out their lives as usual. They saved up and bought a house so Tony could use the garage as his workshop and Steve could turn the backyard into his own personal gym. Somehow, it worked, at least for a while. They would wake up together, Steve shutting off the alarm, taking a shower and making breakfast before Tony even got up. Tony would do the dishes after breakfast because while Steve could walk around alternate New York in his spandex suit, people still freaked out when they saw Iron Man, so he didn't suit up until they got to work.

When they got home after work Steve would make dinner and Tony would work on projects until his husband forced him out of the garage and locked the door with a code Tony didn't have. After dinner they would tumble into the bedroom, sometimes crashing before they even got their day clothes off, sometimes taking the time to carefully peel them off each other. Every night though, they ended up wrapped around each other; Tony too egotistical to be the little spoon and Steve just too _big_ for the same.

Eventually, though, Tony's response when Steve knocked on the garage door to get him for dinner changed from _Yeah, okay, one minute_ to _just start without me_ to _can you put some in the microwave so it'll stay warm?_ And in the mornings Steve would leave earlier so he could get more work done and they wouldn't have that time, either.

And then one day it just fell apart.

"I'm home!" Steve shouted out to the seemingly empty house. He stood still for a minute and picked up music playing from somewhere in the house. Walking slowly, he traced it to the garage where Tony was welding something. He stopped when Steve walked in. "Hey."

"Yeah, hi. Can you pass me that?" Steve picked up the object Tony was pointing to, looked at it like it was weirder than an alien, and set it back down.

"So I haven't seen you in a while." They hadn't had dinner together in at least a week and Tony had taken to falling asleep in the workshop. Steve carried him to their bedroom but it wasn't the same as sleeping next to someone who knew you were there.

"I'm kind of on the verge of a breakthrough here, I don't have time for this."

"Don't have time for your own husband?" Tony looked back and forth between Steve and his new creation. "Fine. Call me when you remember that I exist, and that I'm the only person you actually know here."

Tony didn't call, probably because he didn't have Jarvis to remind him. Steve waited for months before contacting a lawyer. A week later he showed up at his old home with a moving van and a folder of papers for Tony to sign.

They sold the house, Steve letting Tony have all the money because he was moving in with alternate Natasha and Clint, which was probably a bad call on his part. Still, it was better than living with someone he used to be married to. Someone he would never forget falling in love with, no matter how hard he tried. Even if the whole world knew what had happened between them, Steve would never admit that those months on his own before they got rescued, real or unreal, were the worst of his life.

But then they were rescued, and Steve was free to get as far away from Tony as he could. Neither of them answered any questions about what had happened, and if people didn't know from fact, no one would've had any clue there'd been a spark between them.

And that's how two of the worlds' greatest superheroes ended up being ex-husbands.


	2. Is This the Real Life?

**A/N: Steve's friend is just an OC; don't freak out trying to figure out who he is. Also, there will be more interactive and past Steve/Tony next chapter. TW for mentions of PTSD. Contains spoilers. A lot of spoilers.**

Steve was entirely unsurprised when he opened his email, which Tony taught him how to use, and found a memo from SHIELD about his latest mission. He'd been waiting for such a message to come, waiting for the chance to get back into action. Since he and Tony had come back he'd been trying to stay on the down-low, making sure he could get his emotions in check and be the soldier he needed to be when the time came for a real fight. Apparently, that time had come.

He skimmed over the email, just picking up the important bits. His eyes froze when he saw the word Tesseract. They had the Tesseract? Or rather they'd _had_ the Tesseract? Before some _god_- the word god had so many meanings now- had stolen it. The same god who had demolished an entire town now had the greatest power source earth had ever seen. He shook his head, amazed at how little humans had progressed morally in all the years he'd been asleep. They really should've left him and that whole damn ship in the ocean.

He called up one of his friends from SHIELD, one of the guys who helped him get reacquainted with everything after he woke up.

"Steve, my man, what's up?" The informality of how people talked on the phone was still a mystery to Steve. Of course, growing up, Steve hadn't had a lot of people to talk to on the phone, and after the serum it was usually politicians and doctors and whatnot that wanted to hear from him.

"Hey, Dan. Listen, have you been debriefed about-?"

"Yeah, totally. The new thing. I was actually there when it- when it happened."

"Are you okay?" Steve was quick to ask. He hadn't always known Dan to have necessary caution in the face of danger, and looking at the pictures taken from helicopters made it clear that whatever was left of the secret facility was a disaster zone. _Yet another example of the trouble that follows the Tesseract_, Steve thought.

"Broken arm, so I won't make it to the second part of the mission. Hopefully I'll be cleared for duty in a few months; I'm a desk jockey until then. Otherwise I'm fine."

"You've really got to watch where you step." A rugged chuckle came down the line.

"Yeah, okay. What did you want to know?"

"Is this Loki as much a threat as he's made out to be?"

"He's worse." Steve's stomach dropped. "Your shield should be good against some of his stuff, but you can't let him touch you with his staff and- Well, you're going to be debriefed on all of this soon."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Dan sounded rushed and oddly nervous, like he was on edge.

"Yeah, I told you, I'm fine. But this might not be a secure connection, and Fury will definitely get pissed if-"

"Oh, I get it. I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Steve."

Steve was a little ticked off when Fury picked him up the next night, partially because of the mission and partially because he was only on his third punching bag. He couldn't get a full workout in without at least six or seven, and he was already feeling a little high strung. It sounded so stupid in his head and he couldn't very well tell the director of SHIELD to go away so he could finish his workout, but he wished he could.

He also wished he could ask Loki for a little more time, a few more weeks to himself so he could train and be alone. Obviously talking to the god was not an option, and if he was close enough to do so it probably meant he was going to die in about two seconds. Nonetheless, his inability to communicate with the troublemaker didn't change the fact that he didn't want to go back to SHIELD, didn't want to have anything to do with the army because it felt so foreign. He hated that feeling because he knew it should feel like home, but it didn't anymore. Nowhere had really felt like home since he'd woken up, except with Tony, but that was obviously a fluke, something he wished he could forget as soon as possible.

He spent half a second wishing he was Agent Barton, and wanted to slap himself for the thought another half second later. While it would be nice to not be himself for a little while, there's no way it would be worth it in the end. He tried not to think about how much innocent blood Barton was probably spilling without even realizing it.

To sum it up, he really didn't want to deal with the assignment; he'd gotten rid of the Tesseract once, buried himself with it in the hopes that it would never, ever be found, and there it was again. No one really understood how much damage it could do; no one alive on earth- besides maybe Loki- had really seen its power.

So when he tells Fury that they should've left it in the ocean, he's not kidding. He doesn't want to help but he knows he has to. Since the first day he tried to enlist in the army, he's known the pull to the fight. He knows he can win, no matter who or what it takes. He left everything behind once, and while he doesn't want to do it again, he's prepared for the idea that he might have to.

* * *

When Coulson visited Tony it made him… annoyed, to say the least. And antsy. He hadn't realized that Pepper had given SHIELD (or anyone) an override code to his security system and hypothesizes why she did so. He concluded that it was probably because she knew that when she wasn't there he didn't even notice the doorbell ringing or Jarvis saying he had a call. He gets really into his work, okay?

He's irritated firstly because he and Pepper had just set up an amazing new energy source, and she's going to get all the love for it while he's fighting whomever as Iron Man. Sometimes he's jealous that she doesn't have an alter ego. The rest of the time he's glad that he doesn't have to put up with another superhero, even though that's definitely not what he considers himself. He's more of a non-profit helper who happens to save the day every once in a while. Minus the whole 'non-profit' thing, because Iron Man boosted the number of investors more than Tony Stark ever had in his whole life.

The second reason Coulson's call bothers him is because he was rejected from the Avengers and after everything with Steve he was relatively sure that was a permanent decision. He's gotten used to being called narcissist, he's even proud of the title because it shows how well he's constructed his public image, but he's never quite gotten over being rejected. It wasn't like Tony wanted in that badly, but he couldn't believe they didn't like him. He forced himself not to think of what his father would say. His father, who worked with Steve and built up Stark Industries to its greatest point. Tony doesn't dwell on the past.

But more than all of that he didn't want to go back and fight, he wanted to stay there and rebuild his company and live in an awesome skyscraper with Pepper. He didn't want things to get all complicated again. Things never really stopped being complicated with Tony, but at some point in his life he got used to it, to a certain point. Being the son of a technology tycoon and later becoming one himself had left him little time to live a simple life. But _over_complicating was not what he wanted, and Tony was used to getting what he wanted, even if he ended up getting bored after five minutes and changing his mind.

So Tony played his little game, saying things like _His first name is Agent_ in the hopes that if he grated on Coulson's nerves enough, the guy would just give up. But he didn't, he just said his bit and left Tony with a ton of homework and no one to help him through it. He may be a genius, but that doesn't mean he couldn't get distracted when there were much better things he could be doing. _For the good of the earth_, he reminded himself before sliding his tablet to the next page.

The promise Pepper whispered in his ear before she left sounded lovely, but Tony hates having to wait for it. He despises waiting, which is why everything he built after his time in the desert was made either to protect or to make other things or processes move faster. On top of that, it was also pretty unclear how long the 'mission' was going to take, so he really had no clue when the next time he would see Pepper would be. Instead of thinking about her leaving with Coulson and getting on a jet to DC, he focused on his homework. He stayed up all night, forcing caffeine down his throat and reading about thermonuclear astrophysics.

* * *

Fighting alongside Tony is the same as it's ever been, Steve realized once they'd gotten Loki secured in the jet and Thor on their side. Taking down Loki was nothing, it's true, but it was enough to get them back into cadence with each other. Even though they didn't get a chance to fight in the real world, _**their**__ real world, _Steve reminds himself_, because what happened in the other dimension had most certainly been real,_ the months spent in the alternate dimension were enough.

The ride back to the airship is quiet and Steve wonders if Tony is thinking about the same things he is.

At first it kind of scared Steve that not only did Captain America and Iron Man have a fighting technique they could fall back on together, but he and Tony Stark did too. They were usually fighting each other, but there was a tempo to it that was so buried in Steve's mind that it didn't come out at first. He reverted back to when he was scrawny and words were his _only_ way to defend himself. He took punches without throwing anything back out, defending himself instead of looking to injure.

Eventually, though, they got it back and continued to banter like they'd never stopped. Something was off though, and it only took Steve about half an hour in Tony's presence to figure out what it was. While Tony was definitely not ignoring him, he wasn't acting like he was _before_, either. Even after they'd gotten divorced, he didn't act like he was on the airship. After their separation he was very, very distant, only showing up to alternate SHIELD when he was absolutely needed, but he was there and he acknowledged his past with Steve if it was brought up.

In real time and space, Tony stubbornly acted like he'd never met Steve before and the soldier found himself having the same conversations they'd had in the past. Like when Tony said _What's your thing? Pilates? _and Steve just said _What?_ because Tony was the one to take him to his first yoga class ever.

Time passed strangely on the airship, and what was even stranger was the amount of time Steve became conscious of spending with Tony. When he wasn't in the gym or on the bridge he found himself gravitating towards the lab. Everyone always seemed to congregate there and it was the main source of information, the first place that would know if anything happened.

No one on the team called them out or tried to talk about the past if it wasn't a natural part of conversation. Romanov had her own secrets, possibly more deep and dark than his or Tony's. Banner was quiet, and he and Tony had some sort of smart-guy allegiance containing ridiculous amounts of respect. Steve doubted that he knew about the two of them anyways; he'd been off grid for a while before SHIELD had decided they needed the doctor. Thor was completely oblivious, and even Loki hadn't picked up on them. Maybe it was the not-so-subtle hate vibes that seemed to roll off Tony in buckets.

Fury definitely knew, Steve could tell from the moment the director saw him and Tony on the bridge together. He said nothing, obviously not wanting to create even more chasms between the Avengers.

Steve caught himself thinking about it- it being the past- too much, so part of his search for the answers to 'Phase 2' ended up being the desire to get away from Tony. When he'd rather be shaking Tony, asking him why he was acting like such an asshole- and Steve tries not to swear as a general rule- he forced the door to the supposedly secure storage area open instead. He worried for a second, because if he could get in, Thor could probably get in, and he and Loki are both gods (man Steve hates that word), right? So Loki could probably jump ship if he wanted to. He cleared his head and moved on, reminding himself that it was not his problem to deal with.

When he reached the crates, his stomach dropped. There were way too many for it to just be an experiment. All the boxes were clearly labeled 'Phase 2' and were ridiculously easy to open. Steve cracked one and three guns fell out, all looking like they would need the Tesseract's power to work.

At that thought Steve slid down the wall, letting his head fall into his hands. He tried not to think about the last time he saw a weapon powered by the Tesseract and, of course, failed. _I can't let this happen again_, he thought_, especially not if I can stop it. I know better what's going on this time._ He contemplated destroying the weapons himself, it would take time and Fury would know it was him but he couldn't risk them being deployed before he could warn everyone of their threat. None of them could possibly understand the damage capable with these weapons, or they wouldn't have made them in the first place.

He allowed himself a moment to mourn. He'd refused to do it when he'd first woken up because no matter what, it would've been publicized. There would've been headlines like **Captain America Flies Across Country to Say Last Goodbye to Old Flame **and **United States' Greatest Hero Visits Tomb of the Unknowns** and it would've been way, way too much. Every one of his thoughts had been monitored, every step, every breath, every single word his tongue formed. So he'd shoved it down.

When Loki had sent him and Tony flying off to who-knows-where, Steve had still been in the spotlight, had barely had any time to adjust. Tony knew the story but, being Tony, didn't try to get him to open up, so he stayed sealed shut. It wasn't that they didn't talk, it was just that they didn't talk about difficult stuff pertaining to the past. Tony didn't like to talk about his childhood and Steve didn't like to talk about most of his life up to when he'd woken up 70 years later and not a day older. It worked, more or less.

Steve wasted a minute wondering how he'd managed to not think about most of it at all. Maybe it was because he'd been too busy, or maybe it was some screwed up form of PTSD; he'd have to talk to one of the psych people once the mission was over. Either way some part of him had never allowed his mind to go there, to think past the good memories of Bucky saving him from the bullies when they were kids and Colonel Phillips' silent approval and Peggy's gorgeous smile; all red lips and no teeth, just a quirk of her mouth.

He didn't have much time to grieve; he had to get back to the lab, had to tell Banner and Tony to turn off their probing equipment because he'd figured it out. He didn't know if he'd ever have the time, if he'd ever want it. Sometimes it was nice to pretend that his past didn't exist in the same way everyone else's did. In a way, it already didn't. Most people, most _humans_, he reminded himself, who were alive in the 21st century couldn't recount exactly what Brooklyn looked like before the second World War. His thoughts didn't really feel like mourning, but it was still was better than what he'd had up to that point, which was nothing. It was nice to have a few minutes just to think and remember.

Steve took one last deep breath before he gingerly picked up one of the guns and made his way out of the warehouse. When he got to the door he tried to fix it so it looked like no one had broken in but settled for flattening it out and shoving it back into place. Someone would see and fix it.

When he got back to the lab it was just Banner and Tony at first, but everyone ended up joining in, almost in a circle, fighting when it was really important that they all remain calm. Steve let himself get angry with Tony, finally, and then he was yelling.

"Put on the suit. Let's have it out." And he was completely serious. He wanted Tony to put on his big suit of armor and come right at him, everything unsaid between them laid out on the battlefield. He was ready for it, he could take a little guy in a hunk of metal. He was Captain America.

Everyone was goading each other, getting under each other's skin in a way that only people who aren't meant to spend so much time together can. Steve felt everything bubbling up under the surface of his ever-calm façade as he told Tony a second time to get suited up. Tony was never one to let go of a challenge, and Steve could tell that this would be no different.

But then everything went to shit.


	3. All the Days Gone By

**A/N: So I was thinking about inserting another past/AD chapter that would be about sex. It wouldn't be extremely graphic sex, but like the different kinds and what caused it and blah blah blah. Let me know if that's even a remotely interesting idea. At this point there's probably going to be one more chapter about the other dimension, and the rest will be during and post Avengers.**

**Once again, endless spoilers (this might not even be completely understandable if you haven't seen the movie) and if you look one line down you'll see that the 'f-word' is used.**

So they were kind of fucked, at least enough so that Tony actually had to suit up. Steve wished he could eat his words, take Tony out of the suit and return to their argument. Imminent danger got old very quickly, innocuous yet impassioned debates were much easier to handle.

The airship had been attacked and at least one of the engines was disabled, but Tony always came prepared, so they had Iron Man. He wasn't looking forward to fixing the engine, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. He grumbled under his breath as his suit pieced together, cursing whoever had leaked the intel about the ship's shielding capabilities.

Everyone wanted to believe that Loki had put Hawkeye under some curse and that he wasn't acting of his own accord, but it was getting hard not to be a little annoyed with him now that hundreds of people were in danger.

Not to mention that Banner had Hulked and destroyed half the ship and was, according to recent sightings, falling to the ground and gaining speed at 9.81 meters per second, per second. Agent Romanoff had gotten back on her feet, though she still sounded rather shaken. Tony couldn't blame her; Banner was a chill guy normally, but the Other Guy scared the shit out of _everyone_. And she had to go neutralize one of the few people she trusted, which Tony found was never easy, especially after the shit with Obie.

Tony tried to focus while he restarted the engine, not wanting to fuck anything up but not wanting to have a panic attack either. He let his mind wander to anything but the metal whirring around him or the thousands of feet below him. And, you know, the possibility of getting crushed into a trillion pieces. He made a mental note to reinforce the suit with something stronger. If only he could get his hands on some vibranium.

As he gave Captain America directions, it became relatively obvious that the soldier was still way out of his time, so Tony needed to educate him a bit more. The scientist wanted to hide his face in his hands at the _It seems to be powered by some sort of electricity! _comment, but he was otherwise occupied. He would just have to explain it to Steve later, when everything was fixed and they could have an actual conversation.

Tony erased that thought from his mind and returned his attention to the task at hand; alone time with Steve was not what he wanted to be thinking about while encased in a metal suit without much wiggle room. Plus he had to save a bunch of peoples' lives, but that was just a minor detail.

"Pull the lever!" With their luck the Captain had no backup, and was obviously fighting off some of the rogues on the ship. Which didn't really work for Tony, who was soon going to be tossed around the bottom of the engine at unimaginable speeds if the lever wasn't pulled and the blades didn't slow down.

"I need a minute here!" Steve sounded almost out of breath, which would've worried Tony if he'd had the capacity to think beyond _oh shit, I need to get out of here._

"Lever, now!" Tony insisted, making Steve get the message. If the lever wasn't pulled, there would a), be a dead superhero and b), be no one to fix the airship if the other engines failed. It couldn't be that hard to pull a fucking lever, fighting off other combatants aside. "Uh oh." Tony felt the engine speed up while his suit did not, and the next second he was getting spun around the engine like a rag doll.

Somehow, Captain America managed to lift an arm and pull the lever, saving Tony from a fast but still rather painful demise. Tony was shot out of the engine and his thrusters kicked in in the nick of time. He flew straight ahead, knocking down the person who was trying to gun Steve down. Once the guy was out for the count Tony rolled over to check on Steve. He sighed when he saw that the other man was still standing, though he was breathing heavily and sporting a few cuts.

After Loki had gotten away and Barton was on his way back to being unpossessed, Fury talked to them and told them what they needed to do. He'd guilted Steve with the blood-covered cards and baited Tony with the Avengers Initiative.

"The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more." Fury explained his idea, the one he'd covered up with all the Tesseract shit. "See if they could work together when we needed them to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea. In heroes."

Tony'd had enough, so he abruptly stood and walked from the bridge. He'd heard it all before.

"Well, it's an old-fashioned notion." Fury said to Steve in Tony's wake. The super soldier had listened to all of Fury's words, had understood and empathized with his pain at losing Coulson, but he was more concerned about Tony's wellbeing. When he felt himself dismissed, he followed where the scientist had gone when he'd stormed out.

Tony had gone to look at the hole in the ship where Loki's cell had been. There was a tracking device on the cell, but it had been destroyed so Tony wasn't sure how they were going to locate Thor.

"Was he married?" Steve asked. Despite the man's obsession with him, he'd never really talked to Coulson about himself. Their conversations were all about the mission or Captain America.

"No. There was a, uh, cellist. I think." Tony answered. It wasn't easy talking to Steve about Coulson. The conversation made Tony see how dismissive he'd been of the senior agent, how he'd tried to get him out of Stark Tower as soon as he could so he could have more alone time with Pepper. Tony found himself wishing he'd just given the guy a chance to talk.

"I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man."

"He was an idiot." In retrospect, Tony thought of plenty of better ways to say what he meant. But Coulson _had_ been an idiot, or at least acted like one.

"Why, for believing?" Steve was incredulous, disbelieving that even Tony didn't understand bravery and honor, and doing the job you were expected to do.

"For taking on Loki alone."

"He was doing his job." Tony wished he hadn't started the argument. _'Let's __**not**__ fight anymore.' He imagined himself saying. "For Coulson, let's work this out." _But Steve's words goaded him further, pushed him to prove his point.

"He was out of his league. He should've waited. He should've-"

"Sometimes there isn't a way out, Tony." Steve pleaded for Tony to understand, but the words came out a little condescending. Deep down, Steve was sure he'd seen stuff that would be too much for Tony to handle, had gone through things that had made him change in ways Tony didn't see.

"Right, never happened before."

"This the first time you lost a solider?"

"We are **not** soldiers!" Tony reminded Steve exasperatedly. Steve could be one; he could dress up in the red, white and blue and kill bad guys, but Tony? That would never be him. Sure, in the heat of the moment he could make the right choice, but he fought for himself. He wasn't courageous enough to do any better, and everyone could see it. "I'm not marching to Fury's fife."

"Neither am I. He's got the same blood on his hands as Loki. But right now we've got to put that aside and get this done. Loki needs a power source, if we can put together a list-"

"It's personal." First he'd taken Barton, then he'd killed Coulson, now he had the power and team for world destruction. It couldn't get more personal.

"That's not the point." _This is the problem with civilians, _Steve thought,_ they blow everything personal out of proportion. The bad guys always want a reaction, if you keep your cool they don't have as much power over you._

"That **is** the point. That's Loki's point. He'll get all of us right at where we live. Why?"

"To tear us apart."

"Yeah, divide and conquer's great, but he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants! He wants to beat us, he must be seen doing it... he wants an audience."

"Right. We caught his act in Stuttgart..."

"Yeah. That's just previews. This is... this is opening night! And, Loki, he's a full-tilt diva; he wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a... monument built to the sky with his name plastered..." Tony's eyes connected with Steve's as they both realized where Loki was headed. "Son of a bitch!"

They'd headed out to get suited up together, and Tony found himself having some major déjà vu from the alternate dimension. It seemed like time was replaying itself, mocking him with memories he'd tried very hard to bury.

On the way to Manhattan Tony'd had some time to himself, and he'd related what had happened in the lab and directly after with how he and Steve had been _before. _They'd fought, it would be weird if they hadn't, but when they were good, they were great. Most of the fights had been stupid, anyways. They'd quarreled over minor problems like who had forgotten to install Jarvis II's new update (Tony) or why the living room couch smelled like sweat (Steve). Then they would get called in and Iron Man and Captain America's uncanny battlefield connection would fix everything. Or they would just fuck until they were too tired to fight anymore.

The argument in the lab had been much fiercer than any fight they'd had in the alternate dimension. There was real intent behind it and it was fueled by an anger that neither man knew they had until it was pushing to get out. It was all stuff they would both need to get out at some point, though Tony hoped they could do it through fucking instead of fighting. He knew it was probably a fruitless hope, but he'd made the impossible happen before.

Internally, Tony never had any problems thinking about his relationship with Steve. It had undoubtedly been one of the most productive times in his life, and he'd been relatively happy. It was just talking about or even acknowledging the alternate universe that was difficult. Their marriage was yet another notch on his bedpost of failures, a list that he would never admit to actually keeping tally of.

He tried to do that whole 'living in the moment' thing, but he also knew to learn from his many mistakes.. _Though most of them weren't as bad as having a unsuccessful marriage_, he thought. And just remembering it still hurt, which Tony was even less likely to disclose. He knew he didn't really have the right, but that didn't stop him from feeling like shit, it just made him feel worse.

His thoughts of the past hurt especially bad when he remembered the good times, what he'd lost. Sometimes it was the little things; Steve bringing him coffee in bed in the morning but finding something _else_ to do so it was lukewarm at best when they were ready to get up. Or how sentimental the other man could be, even when he stuttered a bit or blushed, he was the only one Tony could stand to be sappy around. And since Tony didn't have the smallest amount of shame, he could admit that one of the major 'good things' about Steve was his body. It made Tony realize where fetishes like body worship came from, and why people were so into six packs.

But then there were the big things that he'd lost, the times he would only ever have in his mind. Like when Steve had 'accidentally' printed out adoption papers and Tony had felt his stomach drop and then turn into a million squirming worms. Getting married was one thing, but kids? Kids would really tie them together forever. And in an alternate dimension, no less.

Tony remembered the adoption papers sitting on the coffee table, left out because Steve kept forgetting the password to his office. He recalled sighing theatrically and almost yelling for Steve to _please, come pick his crap up_ before realizing was it was.

For once Tony didn't care because it was _Steve_, and he really didn't give a fuck if anyone found out because up until that point he didn't know it was what he wanted, but _in_ that moment it was all he ever could've asked for. So he'd left the papers on the coffee table and waited for Steve to come into the room. But Steve had come in as Captain America, all suited up with that look on his face that clearly said _we need to go, __**now. **_It had been a rough fight, and if Tony recognized the papers he didn't say anything when one of his bots recycled them.

* * *

From his point of view, Steve really _had_ printed out the adoption papers by accident. He'd been doing a bit of research, just for future's sake, and the smart computer he'd been using had caught on and printed them. Once they were printed out, he'd gone through them, reading all the guidelines and legal issues so he'd at least have an idea of what was to come if he ever brought it up with Tony. He'd thrown the papers on the coffee table when he'd been called in, not caring what happened to them or if Tony would be mad at him for leaving such personal things in a place where everyone who walked in the room could see.

Still, he often found himself wishing they'd had the chance to talk about having kids. Despite the fact that it would be physically impossible, he imagined a little five-year-old girl with his hair but Tony's eyes. Lily, he decided, one night when Thor somehow managed to get him drunk on Asgardian mead. Her name would be Lily and she would have Tony's awful disposition but Steve's ability to charm the pants off of anyone. And then there would be a little baby boy, a giggling brunette with shocking blue eyes and a knack for taking things apart.

Sometimes Steve thought kids could've saved them, if only from themselves. Maybe with a kid Tony wouldn't have worked such late nights, and Steve would've spent more time trying to pull his husband away from his work, instead of going to bed annoyed and alone. He tried not to linger on those thoughts.

When they returned to their dimension, and the shock of everything had passed, Steve tried to hate Tony. He wanted to hate how Tony never fought for him, not even once they were back in the real world, never spoke to him unless they cross paths through work. It wasn't until later when Pepper told him about all the times she had to stop Tony from drunk dialing him that Steve realized Tony wasn't the only one who didn't fight.

Steve wanted to hate him, but then he remembered late nights, or early mornings depending on how you look at it, and dragging Tony up to bed so they could get some sleep before whatever meeting was planned for the next day. He remembered waking up late because Tony managed to convince Jarvis II to turn off the alarm, and trying to be angry with the (technically) younger man, but then Tony would walk into their bedroom with nothing on but boxers and a coy smile. And who needs meetings when you have a very attractive millionaire, playboy, philanthropist in bed with you?

Those were Steve's little things, times that were brought back to him in crystal-clear visions when he least expected them. He'd be doing something simple like ordering coffee from Starbucks- which he'd never admit to because the stuff was _awful_- when some customer or barista would use one of Tony's mannerisms and Steve would freeze up. He got used to it after a while, what with how many people there were and how much they liked to talk, but each time was still an icy shock to the heart.

Or when he'd do his laundry, and he'd remember all the times he'd tried and failed to teach Tony the simple chore. His ex-husband had always been very, very liberal with the soap, which often led to bubble fights and Tony fixing the floor where the washing machine had flooded.

Steve would look at his laundry soap, the same fragrance as the one they'd used in the alternate dimension, close his eyes and sit down, and take some deep breaths on the harder days. He wondered if Tony used the same soap, if he smelled the same. He'd laugh harshly to himself, because why wouldn't he? It's not like Tony cared about what had happened between them. It's not like he wasted hours upon hours trying to just forget, like Steve had. It's not like he was devastated, like Steve was.

Because while Tony had Pepper to go back to, a whole life complete with Fortune 500 company and several houses in every developed country, Steve had nothing. Steve had a room at HQ and old newspaper clippings with pictures of people who died before anyone even began to unearth his body.


	4. AN

**A/N: So I've had a bit of fun writing the first few chapters of this, but I haven't gotten any feedback and my inspiration is kind of in other places now. At this point, it's going to remain indefinitely discontinued. If people want me to keep writing, let me know. If not, it'll stay dead until further notice.**


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